Transformational Coaching

How to Make Change Happen Every Time!

Ask a person how they feel about what is happening in their life and I’m sure you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that once prompted they would confess there is at least one important area that could benefit from making one or more changes.

Here’s why most people fail to get the change they want and how you can succeed.

It goes without saying that seldom does a day go by without one’s mind thinking, part dreaming, part reflecting, about how much better everything would be if only they could get busy and begin to make real change in the one area currently occupying their thoughts.

Significantly transforming your life generally requires taking massive action.

At least that is the prevailing wisdom.

The consequence of this philosophy is that few people are prepared to make the necessary sacrifices.

Why bother when the outcome is usually disappointing?

Massive effort with little or no reward does not generate a great deal of enthusiasm for the next bright idea.

Let’s face it, how much easier is it to waive the white flag?

Ideas are a dime a dozen and completely meaningless without taking action.

Inspiration is a wonderful attribute, but perspiration is the name of the game.

Or is it?

Of course, it makes much more sense for so many of us to peacefully remain in the comfort zone where it’s cosy and warm.

The big question: Why is change so hard that few people have a genuine appetite for it?

I bet you know what I mean.

How tough is it to permanently stop smoking, lose weight, get fit, or acquire the knowledge to give yourself a greater chance of even more success?

It seems to me the focus of change is hopelessly wrong. I believe the main problem is that the process most people follow pretty well guarantees failure.

The effort required is often huge when the process is faulty.

So, where does the fault lie?

Frankly, the emphasis on making a new beginning with a new process is way too daunting.

Why?

To suddenly replace one way of doing something with a completely different way proves a step too far for most of us.

It’s not exactly impossible, but certainly more than just a little challenging.

Picture the scene:

At first, you begin and everything goes smoothly, not perfectly but smoothly, but once one major obstacle is followed in quick succession by another complex task the game takes a turn for the worse.

The reaction? “I give up!”

You carry out a post-mortem.

Where did it go wrong?

Was it the plan or lack of a plan?

Was it lack of knowledge?

Why didn’t I think this would happen?

How did I overlook something so obvious?

Why did I believe I could do this?

When will I ever learn? And so on.

I’d like to provide you with my approach to change and why I believe it is infinitely superior to the conventional way.

It isn’t change itself that is the root cause of the problem it is the prelude to change that is overlooked.

This critical step is part psychological, part strategic, and part paradoxical.

Let me explain: any transition should start with something ending and not with beginning a brand new process.

This may appear to be a little unorthodox, counter-intuitive, and tricky to understand, but without stopping and letting go of what you currently do the likelihood of success is limited.

To restate this: without absolutely ridding yourself of the old way of doing something you will inevitably abandon any desire for changing to the new way.

Why is this?

After seeing a countless number of people with an assortment of issues I understand that changing anything proves to be extraordinarily difficult.

People simply do not like the idea of it.

I’ll be bolder here – they dislike abandoning a habit so much they will rigidly stand and deliver an argument for their limitations.

It makes perfect sense to end something first before beginning something new, doesn’t it?

But most people just don’t want to do it.

It’s as if their very identity is being challenged.

Fortunately, this can be overcome.

Imagine the advantage of knowing you know what somebody is thinking!

Just imagine how useful it would be in a business context.

Well, perhaps it’s possible!

The ability to read someone’s mind could transform your results in any number of areas.

Obviously, if you did know what somebody was thinking it would put you in a far better position to specifically know what to do to really help a person to get what they want.

And it would save you a lot of time – you could sidestep so many irrelevancies and get to the point much quicker.

Without this knowledge you have to find a way to discover what somebody is really thinking and not be forced to rely on just their words.

Of course, you can employ your language skills, influence techniques, emotional intelligence understanding, and body language knowledge to uncover, at least in part, the intention.

Just consider this:

I’m sure it wouldn’t surprise you to know that there are universal truths that apply to most of us.

In so many circumstances, particularly in social settings, people behave relatively predictably.

In truth, reading someone’s mind frankly is sorcery, the stuff of the magician, party tricks.

Even if there are certain characteristics that most people follow this does not provide you with reliable nor specific information you may need.

But all is not lost.

Here’s what you can do.

It is critical you make sure the person you want to influence fully understands what you can do for them.

Use all of your language skills to paint a clear picture of their pain.

Emphasise exactly what they are missing out on.

You must reveal what they presently have in a given context.

You must let them know what they are lacking means for them, what they are missing out on.

You tell them the way they presently feel is not necessary.

You inform them what they can have, do, or get.

And you get them to visualize how much better they will feel with the right solution for their headache.

You have even properly mentioned your solution…yet.

Now it can get interesting.

Tell them how your solution has helped a considerable number of people just like them.

Once you have done this invite them to try your solution.

Tell them they have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Now you really want to fire up their imagination.

Get them to imagine a future with this problem removed.

Imagine no more headaches!

Tell them their dream is within reach.

Tell them their goal can be quickly me.

Next move on to remove any concerns and objections they may have by revealing your cast-iron guarantee.

Do this before they offer any objection.

Get in first.

Make them feel secure in the knowledge that their investment is safe, and they are fully secure because of your guarantee.

Throw in scarcity for good measure.

Tell them to take advantage of your solution by suggesting you can only allow a small number of people to participate.

Say it’s not scarcity just a simple fact.

Finally suggest all they have to do is sign on.

You have pointed out that they have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

If you have a contract of sorts move it towards them, and place your pen on the line they need to sign.

Driving Change

What causes you to get out of bed in the morning?

What makes you think, feel and behave in the way that you do?

What are the driving forces that guide you in your life?

And the big question: What simple yet powerful action could you take to radically improve your results?

What is the one driver above all other drivers do you need in your life to get the kind of results you would be proud of – results that possibly you only dream about today?

What do you need to master to make your ideas transform into the kind change that would make you and people sit up and take notice?

Of course, there are countless human drivers that once enacted will bring enormous benefits.

Challenging yourself, becoming more creative, making a bigger contribution, and improving your competence in various areas, quickly spring to mind.

So, there’s a million things you can do.

But…what would be the one driver above all?

The big momentum builder?

The ring that binds them all?

Sure, you can argue that certain specific skills, once learned, could produce a similar effect.

Tools such as NLP and emotional Intelligence, for example.

I believe the only meaningful way you can answer the big question is to ask yourself certain other questions.

Without identifying what it is you ideally want, it almost becomes pointless thinking about adjusting your life.

Ask yourself these questions:

  1. “What have you been holding yourself back from?”
  2. “In the perfect world what incredibly bold change could you make today that would truly transform your life?”

Make it a course of action that is possible for you to achieve.

Make it something you just know you could do in the right circumstances.

  1. “What conditions do I need to impose on myself – a set of rules – that I need to follow to make sure I STOP doing some things, so

I can BEGIN something new without falling back into my old ways and routines.”

The driver?

Nothing more than a deep desire for change.

Use the above questions to harness your emotional drive.

Till we chat again, take care, cheerio for now

Reaching Your Own Potential

Obviously, there are key periods in your development when you learn rapidly.

Like a big piece of blotting paper – you soak up everything around you.

But the process does slow down.

So, how can you speed it up again?

Whether you are aware of it or not you are a learning machine.

You cannot not learn!

You can’t stop your brain creating and making new neural pathways.

In fact, you are held captive.

You are being controlled by your awesome brain!

You have little choice.

It will continue this way all throughout your life.

So, as you develop you begin the process of making decisions based on your perceptions and surroundings.

Mistakes are made and you learn from them.

Your life is shaped by what you see works for you, so you repeat the successful actions.

You discover how to communicate effectively and off you go moving forward at the pace that suits you.

Of course, there are critical moments when the decisions made form a pathway that can establish your career, relationships and so on.

These causes create significant effects.

Among all of this, you become an optimist or a pessimist, a happy soul or a bit grumpy.

Your senses determine your favourite smells, colours, tastes, and sounds and memories get formed.

Sometimes one little incident can block you from enjoying something for the rest of your life.

One–time phobias are an example of this.

You say “I never eat fish!” based on one unfortunate experience.

Even though we are subjected to an infinite maze, a jungle of influence, persuasion, advice and suggestions, from a range of sources, your attitudes and beliefs, which affect your decision making, are formed exclusively by you and you alone.

It is true that you may not be in a privileged position to experience a few of life’s pleasurable experiences due to lack of opportunity, but by and large you are the creator of your own destiny. You roll the dice.

The big question seems to me to be: are you actually taking advantage of your own potential?

Or have you resigned yourself to a form of mediocrity that could just so easily be avoided? You could roll the dice again.

So, you were powerful enough to create this phenomenal, unique to you development process, so you have the resources and gifts to change anything you choose.

But how?

Is this the time to give yourself permission to make something happen, something outside what your currently do, and find something extraordinary inside you that once started stops you in your tracks, makes you grin, and causes you to embrace your true talents, attributes and abilities?

All the excuses in the world will be set aside because you have decided to throw away any fear of failure, any criticism springing from internal and external critics, and have decided to give something a red hot go!

One of the reasons you can settle for the comfort zone is created when you were quite young and much easier to influence.

Attitudes and beliefs are formed and they can remain with you for the rest of your life.

They strengthen and get reinforced time and time again.

So, in essence you anchor yourself to a set of core beliefs.

But you can wriggle free.

To make things happen, you may have to free yourself from some of these beliefs and attitudes to confidently take up an opportunity that could revolutionise how you think, feel and act to produce one or more brilliant results.

What has been learned can be unlearned.

This can be achieved no matter how thoroughly you have been programmed.

All you really need to do open your eyes and see all the opportunities staring you in the face.

I bet you even know an opportunity, something only you know is there for you right now to make happen.

You have probably thought about it many times.

What should you do?

Eliminate the fear that prevents you from taking the risk.

Make a serious commitment and ignore the barriers, the naysayers.

One of the most powerful, insightful presuppositions of NLP is “the map is not the territory”.

If the thing you would like to do is not the thing itself, why spend any more time believing you can’t do it?

Instead why not open yourself up to any of the options you have dreamed about and wanted to act upon and just do it?

Once you start you will actually begin to know the territory.

You will understand the map is not that daunting.

It’s just not charted…yet.

You will learn how to adapt.

You will learn how to overcome any obstacles.

After all you are a learning machine.

Perhaps it’s time for renewal, for recognizing you can redraw your own mental map, and decide for yourself where you want to go.

Make a decision to stop waiting for conditions to be perfect.

Take a risk. Just take action. It will transform your life.

How to Decide – Limit Your Choice

Right now you only have two choices.

You can continue to watch or decide to give it a miss.

You’ve got better things to do, right?

So, choice is good, isn’t it?

Ask a person whether they would like to have more choices or less choices in virtually anything and they will invariably tell you they would much prefer having an unlimited number of choices.

This makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

We all want to know what options are available before making a decision, don’t we?

Or do we?

The thinking is simple.

More choices put you in a position to make a better decision.

Well, that’s simple logic, isn’t it?

But is it true?

As inspection of the facts reveals that there is absolutely nothing logical about the way people arrive at a decision.

The buying rationale doesn’t always make sense.

It may seem strange to say, but generally people do not even want the best product!

How can you use this counter-intuitive and weird situation to alter the way you buy, sell and influence other people?

Well, if you give people too many choices they will probably resist buying what you are selling, irrespective of the capability, quality, suitability and abundance of what se on offer.

If people are interested in something and you scale down the number of options they are far more likely to buy from you.

Why is this?

It comes down to a psychological term called “cognitive dissonance”.

This occurs when you hold two or more ideas or beliefs simultaneously and you face making a choice.

So, while it is true that people want to have a choice, the availability of too many options will quickly result in a feeling of being overwhelmed.

Faced with too many choices the brain can freeze.

If a person is unable to make a decision – perhaps they are spoiled for choice, they will let the opportunity pass them by.

How can you use this to your advantage?

First of all, make sure you do not cause information overload.

Keep it simple.

“I can give you one of just three options”, is a wiser strategy to adopt.

In truth, people want direction.

Provide a simple, sensible, limited choice and they will follow your lead.

Here’s a small list of do’s and dont’s you can use to frame your pitch:

  1. Always give the impression that the buyer is in control, not you.
  2. Accept that too many choices causes overwhelm.
  3. Keep the available options to a minimum.
  4. Give a clear, simple yet powerful direction.

Communicate with Distinction – a Surprise Package

How can you make sure your core message, the essence, the pure essence of what you need to communicate, hits the target?

When you want the central theme of your message to be heard, to be paid attention to, how can you give yourself a much better chance of succeeding?

Here’s a way.

One of the biggest problems in getting your idea across is to avoid being predictable.

If someone thinks they have heard “all of this” before your message is doomed.

It will fall on deaf ears.

As soon as a person grasps your intention by accessing certain clues you are unconsciously giving, their own internal defensive machinery starts to power into motion.

But it can quickly grind to a halt, and they will turn off.

They intuitively form an opinion about what you mean to say, and you lose their attention.

Ultimately, they begin to pay something close to lip service to you.

The game is suddenly over.

Once a person believes they know what is coming next they can easily switch off.

You’ve lost their interest even if they continue to smile and nod their heads.

So, what can you do when you really want someone to listen and not second-guess your intention ahead of time?

If you want your core message to hit the target why not consider switching to a far different approach?

Why not attempt the unexpected?

If you want the real central theme of your message to hit home, why not consider using surprise as your main weapon?

Think about the movies.

Most of the time when you watch a movie, you think it was ok, but nothing out of the ordinary.

You pretty soon forget about it.

But when you watch a film with a surprise ending you will think about it afterwards.

Your curiosity has been alerted.

It had made you think.

To get your message across in an important context you have to avoid someone jumping the gun, and believing they already know what comes next.

Here’s where the element of surprise can differentiate you from the crowd.

Ideally, you want to communicate effectively without being predictable.

You want the benefits of your main idea to be unexpected.

You want to add in the right amount of surprise.

It’s no good if the surprise is far-fetched and corny, it just won’t work.

Here’s a neat way to do this.

Determine the central core of your message, the one thing you want them to pay attention to.

It should contain a clear element of surprise.

Next work out the unexpected implications of your surprise.

This is the most significant portion of your message that once delivered will impress and stimulate the listener.

The unexpected implication is the part that talks to the surprise.

This crucial part must be listened to intently, and be fully understood, or the moment is lost.

The benefits of the unexpected surprise – containing your core message, should be heard, and set them thinking.

The wheels should be going round.

They must feel how it can help them.

It must shift their mood.

You need to observe this in their body language.

When you see this you know your communication has authority because they will be unable to activate their own guessing machine.

They will be unprepared.

Your message will be heard.

How to Overcome Setbacks 

At the best of times few people cope well with being criticized, of being rejected.

At the worst of times these feelings can be like a hammer blow to your self-esteem.

Of course, being criticized hurts, it stings, because it makes you doubt your own ability.

However, feeling rejected and being criticized is simply part of the process, an integral part of the process, to becoming highly competent in any activity you choose in life.

Prior to a situation that you feel may be too demanding and somewhat worrying, here’s a strategy that you can follow to get your outcome irrespective of the difficulties.

In Great Expectations, Pip was rejected several times by the cold but very beautiful Estella, before he finally won the prize.

EMI rejected the Beatles!

If the road you’re travelling on is too easy, too comfortable, it could well be that you’re travelling down the wrong road!

To become the very best you can be to get the outcome that you really want to achieve, something that’s really important to you, it’s so important, it’s essential to let go of all self-doubt.

Obsessing over being criticized, feeling rejected, and obsessing over the no’s, doesn’t do you any good at all.

Begin by asking yourself: What’s the very worst thing that can happen to you as you go ahead and try to get this outcome?

  • What is the worst-case scenario in this situation?
  • Make a list of everything that could go wrong
  • Then work out how you can accept all of this

Switch Your Perspective

  • Focus outside yourself, outside your own thoughts, feelings and behaviour
  • Look at things from the another person’s perspective
  • Step into their shoes

Ask how you can produce more “value” in their lives

  Transfer the same power to yourself

How to Find Value in Yourself

  • Don’t try to be something you’re not
  • Stop trying to live up to other people’s expectations
  • Think about the next step only and proceed from there
  • Instil trust in your inner world and activate it

  Just focus on the next step

Seek and Locate

  • Find a value in things that are not so good
  • Go ahead and find the Silver Lining, it’s there
  • Force your brain to not go negative
  • Look for possibilities only
  • You can then control the circumstances since your brain will be focused

Your ability to get your outcome begins with your ability not to get triggered or upset when you are beginning to feel upset or feel rejected.

It takes real intention to get what you want.

It takes real intention to influence others.

It takes real intention to influence yourself.

You must be very clear about your desired outcome and have a plan.

You must be completely present to make it happen.

It’s a matter of being not just doing.

Creating value is a powerful influencer and should be at the core of everything you communicate – internally and externally.

So, let go of fear, focus your intention, be fully present, and always talk value.

It’s important to remind yourself of your strengths and just how resilient and resourceful you truly are.

With a positive mindset you can easily overcome obstacles and objections.

I hope this has been of value to you.

Keep in mind you have many faces, so let’s put them to use.

How can you convince a person to say “yes” when their natural instinct is to say “no”?

This leads to a simple question, why is it normal for someone to refuse what you would like them to consider? Why do they say “no” so quickly?

So often a glance at the body language and facial expression reveals yet another negative dimension to the “no thanks” mindset already well in motion before you have the opportunity to explain anything.

So, why is the instant reaction so intent on denying you any chance of selling what you have to offer?

It is based upon a person’s memory.

They have been down something similar to this path before and they do not want a repeat experience.

If you want to influence somebody you need to understand how they use their past experiences to make decisions.

They way they do this influences how they see the present and the future.

People tend to acutely remember bad experiences and this alone conditions how they regard the future.

This would be a reasonable way to respond if it wasn’t for the fact that your memory banks are somewhat flawed.

Inaccuracy with the finer aspects of how your brain remembers events leads to this problem.

Any event experienced by two people can be remembered completely differently.

We think and believe we know – after all we were there, but this does not prevent the brain from filling in the gaps and coming to its own conclusion.

So, what can you do to prevent a previous interpretation of an event causing somebody to reject you?

You need to use the way the brain organizes the memory of events to your advantage.

It’s pointless just attempting to plow on regardless when you will peremptorily hear the “no” word.

Simply put the brain recalls how an experience ended and then magically assembles how the whole experience occurred.

In other words, it makes up stuff.

The trick is to make sure you address what is likely to occur if they do not take up your offer.

Don’t mess about, make sure they really understand the consequences of not acting in your favour.

Given a person will to a large degree be influenced by the past you should not overlook this.

Pay attention and you will see it in their expression.

What else should you do?

Paint a positive picture of the consequences of how the future in the given context will look if they take up your offer.

If you fail to do this they may well simply go with how they emotionally feel rather than the logic of what you actually have available.

Paint the benefits without exaggeration.

Remember you have many faces, many skills, many talents, and many attributes.

Your task is to use the way the brain works and prevent a past bad memory even if it is completely inaccurate from stopping you from succeeding.