Body Language Observation

PART One

First, a quick question: What is communication?

Sounds simple enough and I guess we all have a meaning for it, but are you taking conscious notice and advantage of the body’s elaborate and powerful secret code, known commonly as your body language?

Or to be more accurate and precise, as your nonverbal communication.

So, welcome to this series on how to send and receive information, both consciously and unconsciously to get brilliant results.

A person’s real intentions are revealed unconsciously through this secret code, and, of course, you may unwittingly be sending similar signals to others.

This language is used by all of us though few people pay conscious attention to it.

These signals go way beyond the spoken word.

It comes down to your two minds – the conscious and unconscious.

These two minds play completely different roles in the way in which you communicate.

The conscious mind is focused on decoding the spoken words in a conversation.

It attempts to make rational sense of what is being said.

This is a thinking process that occurs at lightning speed.

Most of the time we talk and listen, and at the same time as we listen we are busily preparing how to respond.

What about the unconscious or subconscious mind?

In reality, it does most of the heavy lifting in so many areas of your life.

Its influence unknowingly dominates the conversation.

If properly understood it will reveal what is actually taking place.

It is the most honest and reliable source of communication.

From birth certain parts of the brain are wired and rewired according to your nonverbal reactions to others.

And the brain goes ahead and imprints the unconscious.

If you lose touch with the natural language of the body you will more than likely send unintentional signals from time to time and sometimes when it matters.

Sadly, most of us fail to consciously observe what is happening.

For the way you communicate to fully succeed these signals need to be understood, used and controlled, so you can communicate in the most positive and effective way. In other words, send the messages you want to send.

And be skilful at reading those being sent to you.

This gets results.

It boils down to self-awareness.

Once you are self-aware you are in a position to adjust your own signals to get the very best outcome in any conversation.

This will undoubtedly lead to greater and more consistent success.

If you are prepared to learn the fundamental principles and a few tricks of this secret language you will be skilful at tapping into the brains natural and highly evolved communication system to greatly enhance your ability to read the signals on show and be adept at controlling your own.

You will send ONLY those messages that help you to achieve your goals.

So, I began by asking a quick question: what is communication?

The quick answer is this: It’s about harnessing the power of nonverbal messages so you can enjoy life and career changing results and become a master communicator.

Begin to decode and use this special language to advance the way you communicate.

Let’s go ahead and make a difference to your results.

PART Two

In this part and the next part I’d like to discuss the importance of first impressions.

How important are first impressions?

Well, according to research by the New York University, you make 11 decisions about a person in the first seven seconds of making contact with them.

Whoops, better smile!

These impressions cover a wide range of variables including a person’s education, economic situation, how trustworthy they are, their level of sophistication, and their social and professional desirability.

Your nonverbal communication makes such a major contribution to this overall impression.

Not surprisingly, if you are open and self-disclosing, you have a greater chance of being perceived as credible.

What drives this rapid judgment?

Why are we so judgmental?

What causes this to happen?

What adjustments need to be made?

Certain lightning judgments are made, well, in a second by your amygdala.

The amygdala is part of the mammalian brain, the middle brain.

They sit above the old brain and like the old brain is highly evolved.

Long before humans had the capacity for rational thought the amygdala played a key role is scanning the environment for danger.

It makes a snap judgment call and leaves the big brain, the new brain, the prefrontal cortex, way behind when it comes to those big, emotionally-based decisions.

This process is hardwired into the neurology, so it pays to be mindful and ever-ready to create a positive message from the get go.

So, Love Your Amygdala – they keep you safe!

If you are unaware of the speed someone judges you it is likely you will be ill prepared to make the very best impression.

This can be costly since the opportunity to correct this first impression is rarely afforded – judgment leads uncannily to prejudice.

In short, first impressions last.

Interestingly, many people are blissfully unaware of the impression they give to others at first contact, and even more curious is that so many people end up giving precisely the opposite impression to the one they wish to convey!

So, what should you focus on to make the first impression the best impression, and the lasting impression?

Impression, linguistically, is a nominalisation.

Well, you want to act, so let’s de-nominalise and decide how “to impress” somebody.

Remember, you’ve got all of 7 seconds to make your mark.

Perhaps it’s best to be forearmed with these few tips:

Look the part – this is essential.

Stand tall,
Look relaxed,
Be well-groomed,
Breathe deeply,
Be open,
Use positive gestures, and
Appear confident.

When you approach a person make sure you are standing erect, with your shoulders back.

Every part of your body should be pointed directly at the person.

Maintain good eye contact and don’t forget to smile!

Remember their name and use it.

Open and engaging body language, your nonverbal communication, accomplishes most of this.

If you project an engaging, friendly manner it will be a big step towards getting the response you want.

For the way you communicate to fully succeed these signals need to be understood, used and controlled, so you can communicate in the most positive and effective way.

In other words, send the messages you want to send and keep the amygdala happy!

Begin to look, feel and behave in a manner that attracts people to you.

Watch how this can make a difference to your results.

PART Three

Previously it was stressed how important of making an excellent first impression is.

Here I’ll complete the discussion and then move on and show you how to project a positive, pleasing, warm and vibrant personality that gets results.

Now I’ve stated that you make eleven decisions about a person in the first seven seconds of making contact.

So, nonverbal communication plays a massive role in the overall impression you give about yourself when you first make contact with someone.

If the first impression you give is negative, you’re in trouble.

If the first impression you give is neutral, you still have work to do.

Once these first few seconds have elapsed and assuming you are still in the game, the new brain, the neo cortex, will step in and attempt to make an evaluation of you according to certain criteria.

You have no more than 5 minutes to capitalise on an immediate reaction, the immediate response to you, and sometimes only as little 2 to 3 minutes.

So, what is the brain computing, what exactly is it doing during this critical first few minutes?

Well, it’s working furiously in the background on a number of variables.

It is making observations, assessing feelings, and making connections about you, both consciously and unconsciously.

You can swiftly accelerate your acceptability by adopting the right body language.

This is where nonverbal communication can be a payoff for you, but it needs to be done with precision.

For example, your smile, is it genuine?

Your handshake, is it natural, limp or forced?

How close do you stand, your proximity, is it ideal, invasive or evasive?

What does their nose pick up, your personal hygiene, is it nice or not so nice?

How do you stand, do you stand tall or are you slouching?

Eye contact, is it maintained or avoided?

All this information is immediately picked up and is constantly being sifted, analysed, gleaned, assembled and concluded.

In essence you match and mirror a person for their credibility, suitability and likeability.

And remember, you’ve got no more than a few minutes to get this right.

If you do NOT match, you have a problem.

Ask yourself: Do you have things in common?

Is this person like you?

Are they on the same wavelength?

Open and engaging body language, your nonverbal communication, will help you to accomplish this.

If you project an engaging, confident and friendly manner, it will be a big step towards getting the kind of response that you want.

It is essential to project a natural and genuine confidence because a person will intuitively detect whether it is manufactured or fake.

It is really important to have the right mindset to do this properly.

Other information on my website can help you with this if you feel it is needed.

Let’s look at further attributes, other characteristics, that will help you to make the very best first impression.

Send this out into the external world and you’ll always be warmly welcomed.

Assume the right social status – it generates acceptance.

Walk with purpose – look comfortable.

Smile often – make sure it is genuine.

Have a professional handshake – be natural.

Stand up straight – excellent posture is important.

Watch your personal space – don’t invade or evade.

Maintain good posture – never slouch.

Keep your feet pointed to the person – you want to be there.

Keep your arms by your side – use your body with purpose.

For your communication to fully succeed, these signals need to be understood, used and controlled.

It’s imperative that you communicate in the most positive and effective way.

Only send those signals that you intend to send, those messages that are meaningful to your purpose.

These messages directed properly make the key difference.

Now establish rapport in a much more powerful way by focusing very carefully on our nonverbal communication.

This is the way to make the best first impression and make it count.

Watch your results change when you do so.

PART Four

I’m sure you have walked away from a meeting believing everything had gone well only to be disappointed when what you thought would happen failed to materialise.

Consciously accepting, literally, the words people use at times can count for absolutely nothing.

We have discussed the importance of making a good, no great, first impression.

It was indicated the kind of attributes that will draw people to you.

However, projecting a positive, pleasing, warm and vibrant personality may not be enough.

Now, the quality of life can depend upon the quality of your questions.

So, during a conversation that matters backtrack and do a continual review.

What kind of impression am I making?

Should I believe what I am being told?

Will something come from this meeting or am I wasting my time?

What is their body language revealing?

But how can you be expected to know the answer to any of these questions in a given moment?

Well, the answers are staring you in the face, right before your eyes.

Being mindful that even the tiniest gesture can be a game changer is the difference that makes the difference to a clearer understanding of a person’s intent.

This information is often underplayed, understated and, oh so subtle, that you can miss a signal that matters in a heartbeat.

But it will be there.

It always is.

It is missed regularly because we are so preoccupied preparing what we want to say.

If a person is not convinced enough to buy your product, or the service you are selling, or what you are communicating, at some point they will nonverbally, probably unintentionally send this message.

The message comes in and goes out in the blink of an eye and can remain undetected.

The old brain sees it – the new brain, the big brain, is far too busy.

Get it out of the way! Watch and listen.

Once you become an expert, a keen observer, in reading bodily movements, eye movements, facial expressions, throwaway gestures, contradictory messages, the nonverbal secrets, you will never miss a trick, never miss the message it pays to recognise.

Conversely, you will only send the right signal, at the right time, to strengthen rapport and build trust.

When your feelings, are in perfect lockstep, perfect alignment with what you are saying, then you will come across as authentic, believable and likeable.

So, let’s move on to the kind of signals a person will reveal to you unconsciously that need to be read correctly so you will know exactly what is intended.

Here’s a challenge for you during the next few days.

Experiment with this exercise.

During a conversation do the following:

Match and mirror the person and dovetail your movements to theirs. Include breathing, tone, gestures, expressions, key words and so on.

Do this outside of their awareness.

Face them directly. No sideways turn at all.

Go ahead and make eye contact for longer than you normally might.

No scanning the environment at all.

Solely use palm up gestures to demonstrate openness and honesty.

Nod your head from time to time to show how agreeable you are.

Get rid of any barriers between you and the person.

Remove any clutter that’s in the way.

Now you can take each of these activities and reverse them to see the impact they can have.

Dogmatically refuse to match and mirror.

Partly turn away from a person when they speak.

Scan the environment occasionally when they are talking.

Put your hands behind your back, or show the back of your hands.

Shake your head gently when they are seeking any form of agreement.

Put the Grand Canyon between you and the person!

And notice the results.

Then get back to the positive activities quick smart!

Keep practicing this until you are unconsciously competent in each of these areas.

The ability to read and send the right signals is an enormous asset.

PART Five

Would you like to know the ONE big secret of HOW to make a brilliant impression
just about every single time?

Would you like to improve your results, considerably improve your results, in virtually every area of your life where communication is involved?

And where isn’t it?

Well, in this and the following part, I’ll share with you the ONE step, ONE big step, you need to take to get outstanding results.

Normally body language is based on nonverbal communication, but this part is different because it is a verbal process.

But it is so complementary to the overall effectiveness of nonverbal communication,

it needs to be addressed.

Done well you will be able to influence people in the most extraordinary way.

As previously said, you will get a rock-solid advantage by making a great first impression and showing the kind of personal attributes that attract people, draw people to you to you.

For brilliant results you need a bit more.

Now let’s move on to a big rule of thumb.

Essentially, what is communication?

Is it just the words that are spoken?

Or is there more?

How expressive are you?

What is your body language suggesting?

How articulate is your body language?

Is superior interaction just a hit and miss exchange?

How frustrating is it to prepare really well for a meeting – an important meeting, yet
fail to get the outcome you want?

Even more so after spending copious amounts of time thinking through every single possibility that could be raised.

Now, an advantage, an amazing advantage, almost an unfair advantage you can give yourself is to match and exploit voice tonality.

You know, so little is done about this, yet your tonality and physiology play a decisive role, the dominant role in your ability to influence and persuade.

In fact, it is said that voice tonality alone corresponds to 38% of all communication.

This is a big number, a huge number.

So, over one-third of effective communication comes down to your tonality, your voice.

Say “WOW” after me! WOW!

It’s not WHAT you say, it’s HOW you say it!

Here’s an exercise to get the excellent tonality ball in play, to get the ball rolling.

Use telephone calls to practice getting into rapport.

Listen to what is being said and then match the tone, tempo and volume.

Match the voice so the person you are conversing with feels you are just like them.

Calibrate your success from the feeling you experience within.

If you are in rapport, the conversation will last longer.

How often do you consciously vary the tone, tempo, timbre and volume of your voice?

Just in general conversation.
Regularly?
Seldom?

This requires work, but it’s worthwhile it because it can change your life.

You can literally speak your way to success.

Varying your vocal tonality is of far greater importance than the specific word choices you make.

Obviously, addressing your non-verbal expression and tonal flexibility has an immense payoff.

Clearly it must be done.

How do you improve your vocal characteristics?

How do you match a person’s vocal characteristics?

Matching the qualities of the voice of the person you are talking to deepens rapport.

It is almost like music to the ears.

But how is it done?

The quality of sound that differentiates one voice from another can be copied.

And these features are mastered through practice.

Try this simple exercise:

Say the words “I love you.”

Go ahead say it.

You probably said it as a statement – the voice intonation stayed the same.

Now say this statement as a question: “Do you love me?”

You undoubtedly raised the intonation at the end of the statement.

Now say this as a command: “You’d better love me!”

You more than likely lowered the intonation at the end of the statement.

This is the command tone and is highly effective.

So, varying your tone imbues your statement with meaning.

Using the command tone with the questioning syntax is a power play.

Modulating the voice can impact the way a person FEELS.

Enthusiasm and emotion is paramount.

When we are emotionally aroused we respond by speaking with passion.

In day-to-day conversation we tend to avoid such affected use of language and moderate how we speak.

Yet, people buy on emotion and not on logic, people always respond to emotion, so speaking without feeling is counter-productive.

By adding flexibility to your voice you will establish rapport far quicker, and deeper, and increase your capacity to influence others dramatically.

One trick is to make a particular word sound according to its meaning.

Saying the word LOUD softly does not make sense, does it?

Now another exercise:

Practice saying the words I will list with some emotion.

Say the words out loud.

Become comfortable doing this.

To make it easier fire up your memory bank and go back to a time in your life when you felt the emotion the word defines.

What did you see, hear and feel?

Step into the experience again, fully associated.

Really feel it.

Now clear your throat…

Curiosity, amazement, happiness, thrill, victory, playful, relaxed, excitement, desire, calm, exhilaration and love.

Whatever your natural tone may be, you can refine and improve it.

To do this well you need to become more and more tuned in to your own tonality to improve its effect.

The effort will pay off brilliantly.

It’s time to go ahead and exaggerate.

Then enjoy watching a positive difference to your bottom line.

PART Six

So, the BIG question: When to use touch?

Here are the best times, the most appropriate times, to use the power of touch to create a positive, vibrant connection with a person that makes all the difference.

You want to touch people when you’re discussing the benefits, the positive benefits, of what you are doing.

You want to get them to react really positively to you.

Touch people when you are discussing the benefits of what you have to offer.

This is almost like a nod and a wink, you’re suggesting they are special and are now in on a terrific deal, a deal that isn’t available to other people.

Touch when you are precisely at the point you want them to react positively.

You’ve carefully built the virtues of doing business with you and you’ve come to the biggest benefit of your offer.

And you can nod your head slowly as you do this.

You can touch almost by accident and as a thank you.

Touch almost by accident.

This can begin to establish a bond between the two of you.

If it is done casually it simply appears to suggest you genuinely like the person.

Touch them as a thank you and enjoy watching them smile!

This makes you appear charming and, of course, you are, aren’t you?

You can try a touch when you are a bit worried about what the outcome might be, but never when they doubt you.

Touch when it’s getting a little desperate, or where you haven’t yet persuaded them to fully accept your offer and they appear to be getting a little agitated.

“You can trust me”, is your message.

Do this well and they might stick around and give you a second chance.

Go back a few steps and rebuild rapport.

Caution – never, never touch a person if they clearly do not believe you.

This will confirm any suspicion they may already have assumed.

Again go back a few steps and rebuild rapport.

Oh, and ONLY ever touch the forearm or the shoulder until you know someone much better.

By the way, did you know that people who touch other people are regarded as having a higher status than those being touched?

Let’s begin to build better, stronger, more interesting connections with people, form those really life-affirming relationships.

By using touch, where, when and how, at the most appropriate times, so you get welcomed into their inner circle where you can make a key difference to their lives and really enjoy having that relationship.

PART Nine When to Make Your Offer

In the absence of rapport, nothing is possible.

In the presence of rapport everything is possible.

So luckily we are all thoroughly familiar with the meaning and process of rapport, aren’t we?

Or are we?

Well, it’s my belief that many people have an insufficient, almost inadequate sense and understanding, of rapport.

In my view, genuine rapport, meaningful rapport, is the ability to cause someone else to feel better, much better about themselves when they are with you.

And if this is done well it will give you leverage, power and influence.

One way to gain greater influence is to establish instant rapport using nonverbal communication.

Paying attention, strict attention to the correct process of rapport is absolutely essential, well it’s vital.

So, what are the easiest body language signals you can give to get a person on your side in a given moment?

What are the smallest nonverbal cues you can provide to increase rapport quickly, speedily, rapidly?

In this part I will focus on something exceptionally simple, yet nonetheless quite profound.

If your purpose is to exert some kind of influence, or perhaps get an offer accepted, then you will need to polish and sharpen your efforts in this area.

We are wired to connect; yet so many people neglect this natural and organic activity.

Brain cells, your brain cells will respond and react to what is being observed in another person.

This includes generating feelings.

When an emotion is observed we instinctively mirror the same emotion.

Emotions are highly addictive.
.

So, let’s take a look at some simple nonverbal cues, nonverbal signals you can use to project a positive self-image.

But first, here are some of the shifts it is smart to notice and use when you want to establish a binding connection to someone:

Observe how a person holds their chest.

Do this using your peripheral vision so you do not offend.

Does the person have their chest out almost suggesting they are swelling with pride?

Do they have rounded shoulders and a concave chest?

If so, disappointment is being felt.

And notice if a male unbuttons their jacket when they are with you.

If so, they feel comfortable and are removing a barrier between you.

Always attempt to take in the whole body of the person you are communicating with.

And this is far easier, you can do this much easier if you get into peripheral vision.

Just look a metre or so beyond the person, soften your focus, and soften your eyes.

Now the breathing patterns of people reveal significant information about how they feel.

So, what messages can be assumed from the way a person breathes?

When people feel vulnerable or apprehensive, they will hold their breath, or breathe in a shallower way.

Holding the breath is a form of protection.

So is a person excited to be with you?

Look for a sudden upward body movement and whether they take a bigger than normal breath.

When making contact determine whether a person is a lower neck, chest or belly breather.

Then match the style.

This conforms to a visual, auditory or kinaesthetic person – the representational system they prefer, the best way for you to communicate with them.

Next go ahead and observe the overall body posture of the person you are in conversation with.

Here we are looking to see whether the posture is open or closed.

If the posture is closed then you need to withhold any offer you might like to make until you have succeeded in altering this posture, until you have opened them up.

Here are the specifics.

If the arms are folded, legs crossed, the body turned away from you, and perhaps a tendency to hide the hands, this can all represent feelings of vulnerability.

Resist making an offer.

An open posture sees a receptive person.

The legs are uncrossed, the arms are open often with the palms exposed.

The arms can be relaxed by the side of the body.

These signals indicate a willingness to interact.

Feel free to go ahead and make your offer.

So begin to notice these features and get a true sense of a person’s accessibility.

Let’s become more alert and purposely notice what people are saying without them speaking a single word.

PART Ten Top 5 Signs She’s Interested in You!

Normally I provide body language workshops and training for business people, but here I thought I would do something a little different.

I am often requested to talk about attraction signals, the signals that people send to show that you are of interest to them.

So, would you like to know the clearest body language signals a woman will reveal to suggest that you are of interest to them?

Stay tuned for more information on this simple, yet valuable information!

Your body language basically is hard-wired into your brain.

This means that you are highly likely to display what something means to you instinctively and unconsciously.

It is a simple, natural response to a moment in time and it occurs regularly throughout the day in all social situations, during conversations, and so on.

The same principle applies when we see someone we find rather attractive – the signals that are sent out to show that somebody is appealing to us.

Now, women are much smarter at doing this than men; in fact, they are far more intuitive.

You may be fortunate enough to receive such a signal, but, like the majority of men, you may be blissfully unaware of what is happening.

It’s time to put this right!

So, what are the essential signals most men should be aware of?

Well, there are several, but let’s keep this absolutely simple.

So, here are five of the clearest signals you can receive, and if you do receive one of these signals, well, you can be confident enough to go for it!

When women accentuate their face and actually put it on display.

And when women point their knees, hopefully in your direction.

Also, when women fiddle and stroke a round object.

If you see women unconsciously touch themselves, as they glance at you repeatedly.

When women flick or toss their hair.

Now just a few pointers.

If a woman has her elbows on a flat surface, with one hand over the other hand, and their chin resting on their hands, and they are looking only at you, they are saying you have got my full attention, please approach me, I find you appealing!

This is a very clear signal.

Now, with their knees in a social situation, they need to be pointing towards you.

If they are pointing towards somebody else, it’s not your day.

With the kind of fondling of earrings, wine glasses while they repeatedly look at you,
it is also a tell-tale signal that they do find you attractive.

You’re the one!

Stroking can be the neck, the throat and sometimes the thigh.

This is a very serious signal that they are into you, so you can be confident and approach them with absolute confidence.

Now the stroking or flicking of the hair is saying “I’m sure you find me appealing and attractive”, I also find you the same way.

So again feel confident, be optimistic and make a smart move.

So, I hope this has been of interest to you.

Remember you have many faces, let’s put them to use and begin to see what is going on around us by taking absolute notice of all these signals that are sent repeatedly and often missed by most men.