How to Laugh All The Way To The Bank!
by Mike Lally
The modern Australian drives a bank financed car over a bond financed highway on credit card petrol to open a charge account at a department store so he can fill his mortgaged financed home with instalment-purchased furniture.
There are three kinds of traders: successful, unsuccessful and those who give lectures telling the second group how the first group did it.
Did you hear about the trader who suggested his wife should undergo plastic surgery?
He wanted to cut off her credit cards!
Investing is like untold wealth:
The kind the Tax office is interested in.
Kids may be deductible.
But they’re still taxing.
Marriage can be like buying something on credit.
You see something you like, make it your own, and pay for it for the rest of your life.
With George W’s new-world order, the USA will be known as the IOUSA.
A trader asked the Tax office how much does he need to pay.
The Tax Office said, “How much money did you make last year?”
Followed by, “Mail it in”.
A young man asked an old rich investor how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his woollen vest and said,
“Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression.
I was down to my last nickel.”
“I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 o’clock for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
A man makes a telephone call and says: “I want to speak to my financial planner.”
The receptionist replies: “I’m sorry but he died last week.”
The next day the same man phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the man calls again and asks to speak to his financial planner.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your financial planner died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The man says, “Because I just love hearing it.”
When a financial planner dies, apparently they don’t bury them 6 feet under – they bury them 12 feet under. Because deep, deep down, they’re ok!
The new computer turned out to be too big to fit in the Stockbroker’s lift.
“How am I going to get this thing to the third floor?” the deliveryman complained.
The broker saw no problem.
“Plug it in – and let it work it out for itself.”
Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
Money, money, money:
If a man is always chasing money he’s a mercenary,
If he doesn’t chase it, he lacks ambition,
If he hoards it, he’s stingy,
If he spends it, he’s a spendthrift,
If he gets it without working, he’s a parasite,
If he scrimps and saves, he is wasting his life.
Dear Bank Manager:
Stop sending me letters just because my account is in the red.
I didn’t pester you with letters when my account was in the black!
If you have any funny money stories, send them in!